Jesus will you dance with me?

I’m so insecure. I’ve been holding my own, dark pink ketosis stick and all… ugh. Today I went on to my daughters site and she had downloaded pictures of her bio mom and 1/ 2 sister and they are holding my grandbabies and my heart is so broken today. Plus, the bio mom has lost all her weight and looks great and so did my daughter. I’m so jealous and afraid that I will always be this heavy and out of shape. My back hurts and I’m really down today and needed a place to just talk about it, well, write about it. I’m so broken hearted to not be with my grandbabies whom I love so much and they live such a long ways away. I hate jealousy; it really is a green-eyed monster. I hate that I compare myself to others and feel like a failure. I’ve been low carbing for a while and have stalled despite all my efforts. I’m really frustrated and feel alone, which is silly. I have so many friends online in the low carb world. I belong to a support group but have one little fragile kid who writes me all the time and I am afraid to share how I am feeling. See this isn’t a good headspace for me to be in. What do you do when you stall weeks on end despite really doing low carb and I’ve gone off caffeine and stopped drinking crystal light. Eating totally great low carb foods. Drinking all my water, taking my vitamins, I’m baby steppin’ (What about Bob), but I’m not exercising and I have some aversion to it. Maybe it is like the last thing I can control? I sure can’t control how jealous I feel about the other woman (ex-wife) and her weight loss. I actually obsess on it. I’m mental right now with thoughts of comparison. Do I even put this on my blog or does this stay in my safe journal that no one reads? I’m going to put it out there and see if I get some relief. I’m impatient today and it is two days before Christmas and I have a sore on my tongue from walnuts. OK, TMI. Oh, God, great giver of peace and freedom I call on you to rescue me from me! I am in so much pain and I want to be free of the obsession on myself.

Thank you Jimmy Moore

OMGOODNESS! I have made it big! My friend and major support person Jimmy Moore put me on his blog today: http://livinlavidalocarb.blogspot.com/ -this is the most impactful blog and his podcast: http://www.thelivinlowcarbshow.com/ which has 100 podcasts you can listen to. I am enjoying them over and over again and he has given me so many other bloggers and podcast to help me on this journey.
Here is what it looked like along side other bloggers of low carbers.

4. COMMON WOMANFroilee from Santa Cruz, California shares her thoughts as a 47-year old "common woman" trying to live the low-carb life. With opinions that are all her own, you'll have fun reading what she has to share on this encouraging and uplifting blog!

Thank you Jimmy, you are so awesome and I was so shocked to see my name on your blog this morning. I humbly and joyfully am moved. Again, thank you so much Jimmy.

Some studying I've been doing @ blogs

"Sugar alcohol" is a name that confuses everyone. These substances are neither sugar nor alcohol. They're sweeteners found in many foods. Most sugar alcohols have names ending in "ol" like sorbitol, mannitol, lactitol and xylitol.
If the weight of sugar alcohol in a product is less than 10 grams, forget it. If it weighs more and you are counting calories, multiply its gram weight by 2 to arrive at the calories it provides.
What is a sugar alcohol? Above is answered by Dr. Donohue:

How is the metabolic syndrome diagnosed?
There are no well-accepted criteria for diagnosing the metabolic syndrome. The criteria proposed by the Third Report of the National Cholesterol Education Program (NCEP) Expert Panel on Detection, Evaluation, and Treatment of High Blood Cholesterol in Adults (Adult Treatment Panel III) are the most current and widely used.
According to the ATP III criteria, the metabolic syndrome is identified by the presence of three or more of these components:
Central obesity as measured by waist circumference:Men — Greater than or equal to 40 inches Women — Greater than or equal to 35 inches (OK, have this one :) )
Fasting blood triglycerides greater than or equal to 150 mg/dL (Don't know but will in January 08 have another panel done)
Blood HDL cholesterol:Men — Less than 40 mg/dLWomen — Less than 50 mg/dL (Am on Lipitor but have low good cholesterol and have all my life, again will be able to see in Jan. 08's blood panel)
Blood pressure greater than or equal to 130/85 mmHg (Blood pressure is excellent and on the low side, but both of my parents have HBP)
Fasting glucose greater than or equal to 100 mg/dL (I am usually low blood sugar)

Signs and symptoms
Having metabolic syndrome means you have several disorders related to your metabolism at the same time, including:

1. Obesity, particularly around your waist (having an "apple shape")
2. Elevated blood pressure (No)
3. An elevated level of the blood fat called triglycerides and a low level of high-intensity lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol — the "good" cholesterol (I believe I have this)
Resistance to insulin, a hormone that helps to regulate the amount of sugar in your body (Don't know)

Having one component of metabolic syndrome means you're more likely to have others. And the more components you have, the greater are the risks to your health. (Great looks like I got it)

Screening and diagnosis
Although your doctor is not typically looking for "metabolic syndrome," the label may apply if you have three or more of the traits associated with this condition.
Several organizations have criteria for diagnosing metabolic syndrome. These guidelines were created by the National Cholesterol Education Program (NCEP) with modifications by the American Heart Association. According to these guidelines, you have metabolic syndrome if you have three or more of these traits:
Elevated waist circumference, greater than 35 inches for women and 40 inches for men. Certain genetic risk factors, such as having a family history of diabetes or being of Asian descent — which increases your risk of insulin resistance — lower the waist circumference limit. If you have one of these genetic risk factors, waist circumference limits are 31 to 35 inches for women and 37 to 39 inches for men.
Elevated level of triglycerides of 150 milligrams per deciliter (mg/dL) or higher, or you're receiving treatment for high triglycerides.
Reduced HDL (less than 40 mg/dL in men or less than 50 mg/dL in women) or you're receiving treatment for low HDL.
Elevated blood pressure of 130 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) systolic (the top number) or higher or 85 mm Hg diastolic (the bottom number) or higher, or you're receiving treatment for high blood pressure.
Elevated fasting blood sugar (blood glucose) of 100 mg/dL or higher, or you're receiving treatment for high blood sugar.

Good calories, Bad calories:
Words ending in ose… fructose goes right to the liver and not the blood sugar level converts to fat lipoproteins. Make us the fattest… fructose doesn’t come from fruit, known for being from fruit… but it comes from corn.. very interesting hummmmmmmm
Fat does not make you fat, sugar makes you fat… Fat tissue is regulated by insolent… carbohydrate… not eating carbohydrate.
Whole grains can, even the carbohydrate in vegetables… let along fruit. How much is too much?
Atkins primary problem is you are overweight, get rid of all carbs and see what you can eat after you have lost the weight... what is your carb ratio… the fewer carbohydrates we eat the less we weigh….

So this is a good base line. And I'm working my program with a pink stick this morning and still weighing in everyday... this is not too fun as the scale doesn't move. But I am playing with my foods and seeing how much carb keeps me the same and what make me burn fat... so far I am metabolic resistant and could probably do much better on 14 days of no carbs whatsoever... we will see. I'm eating carbs in veggies and some cheeses... and eggs.... and a treat each day.... I might be in a stall due to caffeine as well from coffee in the morning. So I am playing with it all...

Step back cause here it comes

Today is December 17, 2007
MY PROGRESS ON LIVING LOW CARB by NAE’ NAE’
I had a light pink stick this morning and a dark pink one yesterday, must be the two desserts I had, probably the Choco-Perfection Bar. I’ve been studying on the Sugar Shook blog. Some of the guest speakers I was listening too talked about going vegan, yuck, did that, got fatter! Cause I love carbs and sugar. But I am interested in her take on artificial sweeteners which is a big taboo in her gathering of evidience. I really love splenda and love sweets so I can’t imagine doing the low carb lifestyle without sweetener.
I’ve been blogging on a online support group for several months in a form of a journal and it has been one of the most healing ways I’ve found to deal with my depression that set in with abandon several years ago. I had some breaks but never really pulled out fully – always a low grade of depression coupled with some anxiety every now and again. I was so depressed and gained either 40-70 pounds in the last few years. I’m not going to put my weight out there right now because I am afraid to do so… (Opionionistas.com blogging by Melissa Lafsky advise about blogging is whatever you are most afraid of is what you need to be writing or blogging about. Always share your truth and put it out there. Good contents rises to the top) OK one big fear is to blog and show myself to others and telling my weight so as I work this blog I will do both when it is the right time for me.
I was down and up a few pounds this week as I am making myself weight everyday to find what kind of weight I fluctuate. Because I am so affected by the numbers on the scale and to help myself overcome this nuts type thinking I make myself have coffee before I weigh in but usually not food but growth for me would to weigh in at the end of the day with all the food I’ve consumed. I am just wanting to face the numbers because in my head it makes me think I am good or bad and I am challenging myself beyond the number thing, the size thing, the pretty thing, the ugly thing the fat thing the skinny thing, just to name a few…. I used to count everything like how many years had it been since I had a drink 15, 16 years, whilst I had “medication” i.e. drugs that got you high when I was in pain and somehow I was in pain a great deal J when I did finally pick up a drink I drank just like I was told I would do and soon put it back down, not because I think I’m an alcoholic because I am not… but because I don’t like alcohol on a daily or weekly basis and I don’t remember to drink and as more and more years pass me by without remembering to drink well… you get the idea. So in those years of counted ‘sobriety’ I learned how not to drink or think of drinking cause it just wasn’t part of my lifestyle. I even wrote of book on the 12 steps – (not published) I would print it out for small groups I did in my home on ‘additions’ but it ended up really helping people to understand how to feel… that feelings is one major thing in life we need to learn how to do. My book was based on how I dealt with what life was bring me at the time and how I didn’t pick up alcohol but how much I picked up food. How socially acceptable it was to pick up food, especially in the circle of people I was hanging with and at the same time there was a group of skin·ny’s that would hang together and a group of fatty’s that hung together. The skin·ny’s (skin·ni·ness, noun —Synonyms 1. lank, gaunt, scrawny.) was the group I avoided not because they were skinny but because they were starving, HELLO, and they looked judgmental and uptight, and hungry and the food of choice was usually me and what I was up to, can anyone say gos·sip (noun, verb, -siped or -sipped, -sip·ing idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others: love the dictionary it give it such credence… love the -sipped, -sip·ing I can feel myself being drank up :)
But the whole truth is I knew I could never play the game so I always like the ones with all the outside issues, the real meaty stuff you could see… the ones who wore the issue on the outside, you know like me J
Going back to topic… I am hoping to do some major relearning about sugar, un·for·tu·nate·ly , I’m getting a bit lost. If I listen to all the ‘so called experts’ a Jimmy Moore quote, I get more and more confused on issues like food plans, sugar addiction and exercise, even weighing on the scale have all been life long tortures for me, that is one of the reasons I named my blog “Common Woman” I wanted to really write my book here and part of my book is about this title. What is a common woman? Being a counselor and pastoring a few flocks in my day I know what I think the common woman looks like and it is hidden behind a whole plethora (overabundance; excess) of issues. Comedic’s say it the best I think, as crude and rude as they can be, I’m peeing my pants as I read it or watch them explore some of the issues I’ve mentioned.

I can pontificate To express opinions or judgments in a dogmatic way all over myself and others whist I get started on the subject of religion. And I’m a God loving woman, but I am common as a woman in the fact of what ‘Christianity’ had done to me along the way. So loosely said I am embarrassed at present of being a Christian, but let me explain, I am not ashamed of my believes I am wounded by the judgment I have received when I gave my full heart in service to my last church family. I gave and supported and love, WORK my behind off for FREE for 12 years and yes I did it unto my LORD. But there came a point in my experience that I cracked and needed help and guess what, they all fleed and left me to the wolves… Forgiveness I have, but I want to write about the experience as it comes up for me to let others know how common it is and how to not destroy yourself as I did when the ones I loved turned their backs on me. OK I’m going to stop myself right there. Just know this I have some stories and the said part is they are all too familiar for woman and even some men when they start to tell the truth, like OUCH THAT HURT WHEN YOU….
But onto my issues with men: always a fun subject. Firstly I want to say I love men and thank God we have them but….. can we not agree they are an acquired taste… Men are from Pluto (who just got voted out) and we are from the rest of the planets. Some live like “Desperate Housewives planet”, some live like “Vegan, hairy underarm, granola eating, sprout pushing yurt living freedom fighters”, and some are like me, have had a total implosion experience from living on all the planets and now stay at home and write it down. Time to reassess after the kids are gone and the house is quite and I’ve had several nervous breakdowns-thru’s and now am calm and starting to write about my life again in this new medium of blogging. All of me exists still and it will be fun to pull each piece out and write about it… with my focus on getting me back or putting humpty ‘dumpy’ back together again.
So these are my morning thoughts everyone and more will keep coming as I am making a commitment to blog out my thoughts as they come to me each morning before I do my life such as it is. Forgive the grammar, spelling and plain confusion you may find as my mind spews onto pretend paper in cyber world. Nae’ Nae’ (see that is my nickname I reveled something I was afraid of sharing)

I'm staying hopeful no matter what!

This is truly an amazing journey, I have no readers so it is really like I’m talking to myself, but it is so fancy, much nicer than my homemade journals (smiles) but I am doing well. Reading and listening to all kinds of blogs and blog radio and filling my days with trying to live this lifestyle and just not having the scale move down is OK. I am truly doing it. NO SUGAR… I did decide to cut out my sugar free hazelnut coffeemate today as I read the second ingredient is corn syrup. What the hey is that all about. So I’m back to ½ and ½ and splenda. I also enjoyed to little nexgen muffins with sugar free no carb syrup for dessert tonight. My new ketone sticks I don’t like as well, I’m in trace amount light pink and the scale is the same but never fear I will do this thing…. I’m doing guest tomorrow so that will be interesting. I did do my bike and stacked wood today so I’m trying. I’m tired and that is from the medication I am still on… soon not sure when but I’m going to work on coming off from that… it causes drowsiness and I really don’t think I need it any longer. But I know myself and I have to pace myself or I blow it all at once….

Last day of Induction

Day 14 of Induction
Well, I’ve some rather horrible news, I haven’t moved one ounce on the scale, but I finally measured so I am not sure if I have lost or maintained the same inches… But I am not discouraged because I have been feeling like I’m in a stale since I’ve been doing this for a few months and really didn’t change much to do induction. So maybe it has been a mistake to call me on another induction… I did it cause I went to carb crackers a couple of times and then went back to induction. So I am going to really keep on doing what I’m doing and cut out my choco bars and new muffins that I ate three with a ½ stick of butter yesterday yum… so I haven’t cheated but have hidden carbs in my foods and am still in ketosis. So my new commitment is to ketone stick every morning and then weigh or try to at in the morning. I need this accountability with myself… I am still enjoying all the podcasts and blogs I am reading and am still convinced that this stale will move on and that I need to continue and keep my carbs down to 20-30. I fear I will be one who will never be able to go over 50 a day, which is fine if I’ve honest with myself… I really am feeling so much better and am still on medication and trying to move my body by staking wood or biking everyday, walking and doing house cleaning. But I’ve lost a total of 19 pounds in two months, so hey that is a good thing…
I am hoping to stay off the bars and muffins and try and fill up on my protein and veggies… I’m a work in progress

Day 13 of Induction

Ethiopia who would like to go here? ME

Almost my last day of induction: I should stay on it for a while longer… I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight, but have to remind myself that it isn’t about weight right now it is about getting into ketosis…
Listened to the 5 part interview with Jimmy Moore and Kimmer from Kimkin’s low carb weight site yesterday, interesting. I got a bit discouraged by it… I wonder if I am one who needs to eat more lean… I sure hope not. I have noticed that my clothes feel differently. Like my tight shirt seems to have looseness around my waste. So on my 14 - day tomorrow I am weighting and doing measurements and that way I can see what is changing. I already feel in a stale. But I do eat a lot of food. Nights are the worst for me, so I need to figure out a more balanced consistent way of feeding myself.
I found a new site called lowcarbfreinds.com haven’t really spent any time there but will soon. I’m still listening to the podcasts from Jimmy and going to try and read ‘all’ his blogs as there full of tons of information…
OK, just wanted to blog a bit and check in… Really liked Episode 76 on Jimmy Moore’s podcast, this was an interview with Dr. Allen Rader… a Bariatric Physicians

Got my NexGen Foods Muffins in: OMGOODNESS, yummy, pat of butter.... really good, and the packaging was amazing... think that is why they are so pricey, will be trying to make my own soon, but really good...

Day 10 of Induction

Day 10 of Induction:
OK, the truth is I went over my 20 carbs yesterday… ugh… but I am still counting and stick is still pink. I had cottage cheese and a lot of it so I went over 20 carbs I’m sure. I’ve also been enjoying my 2carb chocolate everyday… I’m out of them now. Hubby bought a gorgeous pizza last night and I got a new cottage cheese container and ate it all…yummy… so I’m not making any condemnations towards myself like I have to do induction all over again… cause induction is about getting the ketosis in action and not losing weight, it is the start of the ketosis burning system and it stays there with watching your carb intake… and I’m in action… so I’m on day 10/58. (tenth day of induction/58 day of lowcarbing – this time around). I’m better prepared as I am reading and educating myself.
Went back to induction cause I never really understood the importance of getting into Ketosis page 137 in Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution. The sticks are great and are better for me than a scale and keep me on track… I’ve been a light to deep pink everyday which is what you want to be. I’d love to be a purple at some point but this isn’t a competition… I mean this is a lifestyle change…
I’m back listening to “Living the La Vida Low Carb” podcasts finishing up all 100 of them. They are really fun and educational. Plus his blog is amazing. Each month has so much it is like taking a college class with all kinds of guest speakers. We all need mentors and Jimmy is one of my top guys. I try and read and have ordered some of his sponsored products so here is what I have tried and think of them. As I try them I will let you know how I feel each make me feel and how each taste.
First is Chocoperfection – I ordered 12 bars paid… $42.95 (no shipping cost – yeah, love that part) from cs@lowcarbspecialties.com AWESOME, OMGOODNESS I cannot believe these things are only 2 net carbs a bar… yummy, just don’t eat over one a day for me… I had two one day and did a bit too many bathroom trips if you catch my drift…. I think it is because of the fiber and not the sugar substitute. I do have sugar substitute reactions at some of the products out there. Splenda is the best and Stevia is you can handle to taste…. Good source of fiber Stevia is and it is an herb and not classified as a artificial sweetener…
The bars came in 2 days and so beautifully wrapped, really first class in presentation and quality. I am looking forward to using them in some of the recipes I’ve found… by the way there is soooooooooo many recipes for free online… let me know if you need some… I’ve copied and pasted a lot and have them available. As I try each I will let you know what I truly think about it…
Next I ordered from: carbsmart.com came highly recommended from Jimmy’s site.
Walden Farms Dips – Caramel dip and marshmallow – yuck, presentation was in a nice bottle, I expected it to be thick and tasty. When I opened the first bottle is poured out like water and ran all over me opps.. the taste was horrid, I will have to find out how to use them before I give them a thumbs down. When I tasted it – yuck! But it probably is just me.
Walden Farms Calorie Free pancake syrup – yummy thumbs up, so good, and I didn’t get a blood rush from it, had it on the low carb pancakes I made and it is amazing…
Flax Z Snax pancake and Waffle mix blueberry – yummy I used heavy cream and butter, it was so delicious… so good - I am amazed. I will have to really watch this one cause it is so good tasting I could see me eating this a my base…. Instead of a part of my lifestyle change, big thumbs up on this one and will be ordering more…. Made into silver dollar size – yummy….
Carbquik Baking Mix – not as easy to make and made my tummy hurt, but I did like them, but liked the Flax one way better…. So I will give it a thumb up but with a tummy ache…. They taste more like a biscuit to me? But hey I ate them up….
Ordered the Dixie Carb Counters Holy – Cow Sugar Free Cocoa Mix – hasn’t come yet - back ordered
NexGen Foods Muffins – haven’t come yet, shipped from NY so really excited to eat one, will let you all know…
Walden Farms Calorie Free Ketchup, haven’t tried yet…
Nutiva Extra-Virgin Coconut Oil, haven’t tried yet… and pricey over $15.99 for 15oz, I think I can get a better price here, but not sure if the quality will be as good as this one. One side note as a massage therapist for over 20 years I’ve never found a better oil to use on the body - body’s love it and it is fragrance free and mends the body really well… you can add a scent if you like…
So this is my take so far on what I like that I’ve special ordered. I need to go to the health food store and get some of the other products used for cooking and baking…. Like Golden Flax flour – I can’t stand the Atkins’ bars yuck they taste as bad as the fat free junk I used to eat, cardboard and they trigger me…more, more, more…
I drink the best whey shakes and can give whomever the recipe for those and the best low carb powers I’ve found. But haven’t used them on my current induction plan…
4 more days and I’m finished with induction. I’m weighing in tomorrow and going to measure myself. Don’t know if I will be brave enough to put up my stats but I am sure eventually I will.
Here are some interesting things to know I learned today:
Obesity is an inflammatory disease…
Support in this process is non-negotiable
Sugar is the new fat
Warm hugs….

Shar Bear and Mouse

I have a support group online and I notice when I write about my food process or talk about my low self-esteem issues that some/not all people seem to tell me to stop. Like don’t focus on your weight, just eat healthy or who cares what other people think about you, or I don’t eat low carb it has no flavor, WHAT? They must be thinking of low fat, cause eating low carb can almost have too much flavor at times :) So I am going to talk about my eating issues and low self esteem issues here. I’ve one reader and I love her so what do I have to worry about right? Today is day 9 of induction and day 50 something, with a couple of carb blowing days for me… but hey I’m doing it. Today is hard for me, I feel emotionally exhausted. But I did get out this week and shop, Christmas shopped twice… this is really amazing coming from the places I’ve been living at in my head and body. So I did housework and laid about watching some fun movies and shows today. It is also raining and cold out, so the weather fit my mood. My hubby is off for the weekend and that will be nice to get our tree up.
But today for me has been a struggle with food. I notice some days I don’t really eat much. I eat but I’m really full and don’t feel like the food I can eat until I am ‘really’ hungry and I’ve been wanting to snack… Snacking on carbs all day long was my way of eating. I rarely had a meal I just snacked, had some crackers, a bowl of cereal. Maybe a piece of cheese a yogurt… but eat a meal – only when I went out for one…
That is one of the biggest changes is cooking. After all my kids left home I stopped cooking. I’d done it several times a day for 20 years and told my husband I’m retired and hardly cooked again. Hence looking back the weight gain along with 8 family members dying one right after another and 3 major surgery’s in a four month period of time. Empty nest, which I never believed I would get, I was pushing them out by the time they were old enough. Oh, it all added up to a lot of weight for me…
Having a true place to write about my weight and struggles is a rescue for me. I am so amazed that putting it out there is helping me. Most of my life I have written and for the most part, not a soul read my thoughts… now I have at least one who does on this blog and I also have my online support group that reads my journals.
I do say it is a bit shocking at times some of the advise I get… like dah are you kiddin’ me… But I try and be as kind and loving as I can and occasionally write a tiny passive aggressive statement in my journal… I have a young man who now calls me mum, he is from England and one of the saddest young men I’ve met… I have a beautiful other man who writes me that I call the Englishman… he is fun and suffers with a lot of depression. So many of my friends have lots children, how they go on is a miracle. They are becoming like a family. I send them hugs and love and they do me… I am amazed how advanced we have all become, we can all author our own website… and learning how to be the authors of our lives.
Well, checking in cause it was a tougher than normal day for me and I don’t want to slide down that scale emotionally only pound wise :) so I thought I’d check in. Warm hugs…

7th Day of Induction

Do a little dance!

Wow, I’m making it through and I am feeling great. I am enjoying some much needed mental stability… not that I was nuts, but to have my blood sugar normal and not up and down and all over the place seems to be giving me some peace inside. Who knew? Not me.
I guess I will weigh in tomorrow and give a report… not much to tell besides the fact I am not house bound and spent the whole day out with one of my daughters and my mom doing Costco and Christmas shopping. Nothing less than a Christmas Miracle for me… I’m stacking wood for movement and cleaning and continuing to prepare for Christmas around here. Got a tree and all the decorations are ready to be placed this weekend. Probably most don’t take a month to prepare for Christmas dinner and decorations, but my life has brought me to such a rhythm as this. I do few things and try and do them well. Try and enjoy what I do and really say away from the drama I used to be so into. Ugh! Glad tidings to all and hope your months of December is going really well… I’m off to a good start…. Warm hugs…

3rd day of induction

My lovey's

Well Day 3 for me on induction: yeah, made it another day on induction. And another deep pink stick! I remember when I first started low carb I tried to do it with a vegetarian friend, I didn't know what I was doing and just followed her; I tried the stick and couldn't ever get them past a really, really light pink and mostly a tan, thought the batch was bad, same batch and turning pinker and awaiting my beloved Maroon soon! Went well, I’m so happy with my food selection and everything tastes so good I’m amazed… and grateful
On my chart it looks like I’m trying to get down to 103, I would be in the hospital on my death bed if that was true, and 34.2 BMI only .2 more to lose and I’m out of the Obesity cage, what a deal.
I have so many stories roaming around in my head today as I awoke at 2:30AM and started on my favorite website support system DailyStrength.com… so many loving and supportive friends. It is giving me another chance at life again.
So I had a great conversation with my best mate last night, she moved away a several years ago so when we get on the phone it is really like finding a piece of myself again. We are in different places within ourselves but when her view on how life really is comes out, it is so fab and fun… she is a crack up and can’t really say it like it is. One big difference in me over our long, long relationship is my lack of willingness to look at life through the eyes of sin or as a sinner. So much has changed in my heart about this and I’m a recovering pastor, teacher, counselor for over 20 years of my life was in total dedication to the counsel and help of those in need in my community. I am totally convinced that the ‘narrow road’ is so much a road of love, mercy and acceptance, I no longer think it is this ridged place of ‘living without sin’ gosh how did I ever actually believe that before? I am amazed at what 8 deaths of my loved ones over the period of a few years did to me. I not only totally got out of control around food to support my emotions but I lost my community in the process because I refused to let them tell me how to feel and that I was just letting the enemy control me. Gosh, I am so sorry for all the times I probably said that very same thing to others. Ugh, when the tables are turned it isn’t too fun or very pretty. But today I am filled with the hope of the love of God in and around me… this is a true miracle to realize that the narrow road is love and mercy, to actually love myself and have mercy on myself enables me to show that to others… truly an eye opener. Sounds so simple, cause there is so much more to the story and as I blog I will let is flow out of me… but for today I am free to love and be loved, to share myself and receive others… I’m up and reading to face day 3 of induction. Yeah, I’m present for my life. I stacked wood for ½ hour yesterday and two weeks ago I wasn’t hardly able emotionally to get outside… this is a good thing.