Shar Bear and Mouse

I have a support group online and I notice when I write about my food process or talk about my low self-esteem issues that some/not all people seem to tell me to stop. Like don’t focus on your weight, just eat healthy or who cares what other people think about you, or I don’t eat low carb it has no flavor, WHAT? They must be thinking of low fat, cause eating low carb can almost have too much flavor at times :) So I am going to talk about my eating issues and low self esteem issues here. I’ve one reader and I love her so what do I have to worry about right? Today is day 9 of induction and day 50 something, with a couple of carb blowing days for me… but hey I’m doing it. Today is hard for me, I feel emotionally exhausted. But I did get out this week and shop, Christmas shopped twice… this is really amazing coming from the places I’ve been living at in my head and body. So I did housework and laid about watching some fun movies and shows today. It is also raining and cold out, so the weather fit my mood. My hubby is off for the weekend and that will be nice to get our tree up.
But today for me has been a struggle with food. I notice some days I don’t really eat much. I eat but I’m really full and don’t feel like the food I can eat until I am ‘really’ hungry and I’ve been wanting to snack… Snacking on carbs all day long was my way of eating. I rarely had a meal I just snacked, had some crackers, a bowl of cereal. Maybe a piece of cheese a yogurt… but eat a meal – only when I went out for one…
That is one of the biggest changes is cooking. After all my kids left home I stopped cooking. I’d done it several times a day for 20 years and told my husband I’m retired and hardly cooked again. Hence looking back the weight gain along with 8 family members dying one right after another and 3 major surgery’s in a four month period of time. Empty nest, which I never believed I would get, I was pushing them out by the time they were old enough. Oh, it all added up to a lot of weight for me…
Having a true place to write about my weight and struggles is a rescue for me. I am so amazed that putting it out there is helping me. Most of my life I have written and for the most part, not a soul read my thoughts… now I have at least one who does on this blog and I also have my online support group that reads my journals.
I do say it is a bit shocking at times some of the advise I get… like dah are you kiddin’ me… But I try and be as kind and loving as I can and occasionally write a tiny passive aggressive statement in my journal… I have a young man who now calls me mum, he is from England and one of the saddest young men I’ve met… I have a beautiful other man who writes me that I call the Englishman… he is fun and suffers with a lot of depression. So many of my friends have lots children, how they go on is a miracle. They are becoming like a family. I send them hugs and love and they do me… I am amazed how advanced we have all become, we can all author our own website… and learning how to be the authors of our lives.
Well, checking in cause it was a tougher than normal day for me and I don’t want to slide down that scale emotionally only pound wise :) so I thought I’d check in. Warm hugs…